And The Show Goes On.

•March 19, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I am so excited about things with the way things are going with Cady and I. I have been taking it nice and slow since the night that we kissed at the club. I just want to make sure that I take my time and let things develop rather than rushing. I have rushed way too many times, and I don’t want that to be what ruins the chance we may or may not have. I wish that I could work up the nerve to be at least a LITTLE more affectionate. She likes to hold hands in public and kiss my forehead. And I am always too shy to do it back, or initiate a hand-hold. I dunno. I just get so shy and melty around her. And I just can’t get passed it just yet. So, I am going to let the feelings progress. I talked to her about it already and she said that she is totally fine with it, and that she likes everything about me and she is willing to let things go as long as I want them too. It is really a great feeling, I can’t even describe it. I am so happy with just everything. It almost totally overshadows the complete pain in the ass this semester has been!!




That Tingley Feeling.

•March 3, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Ok, so it’s about time I blogged about this I guess. A few weeks ago I met someone. I wasn’t really looking to meet anyone, really. I was just going to a meeting of my schools gay straight alliance. I just wanted to talk about some of the things I had been feeling and experiencing lately and get some feedback. But there she was, the ridiculously beautiful Cady.

She was there when I walked in and I managed to talk to her despite her being too cute for words. I promise I wasn’t immediately obsessed with her or anything. I just get nervous around really pretty girls. Mostly because I always manage to make myself look like an ass in front of them. But she was really sweet.

Nothing came of it that meeting, but I went to the next one and the next. And we started to get to know one another. Evetually I worked up the courage to walk her back to her dorm and ask her for her number. She gave it to me and we hung out twice that week.

Everyone said she liked me, but I really doubted myself. I just don’t understand why people like me sometimes and I never know when someone does until it is made ridiculously obvious. So, I vowed not to say anything until I was a little more sure.

This past Friday was her birthday. She invited me and a few of our now mutual friends to a gay club with her. And of course I went.
I had a great time. Sometime during the night I either worked up enough courage to kiss her or she kissed me and we held hands and danced all night. It was wonderful. I was drunk on excitement and copious amounts of alcohol. When we got back to my room, we climbed into bed and cuddled. She kissed me goodnight and I totally melted.

I really hope she would maybe want to be my girlfriend. Because I really like her a lot. She gives me butterflies and has the most amazing smile.

I think I am smitten.



Sinus Infections And Tattoo Dreams.

•February 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So, I have a sinus infection and a mild case of bronchitis. No fun. I have been feeling really foggy for a few days now. But now that I know what’s wrong and am all medicated up for it, I am starting to feel better. It is great. Cause I absolutely despise bring sick. But I mean, who likes being sick?

Despite the onset of the plague, I have been trying to be as productive as possible. I forced myself to go to work and all of my classes. I also walked down to the tattoo shop and scheduled my second tattoo. I can’t wait. I handed the lady my design and she said she will have a stencil of it for me when I come in. I have to wait until March 1st, though because she is going away next week. That saddens me a little, but at least I will have it done finally. I have so many tattoos planned. I don’t know how I will ever have money for them all.

I want my entire back tattooed. I want a tattoo on each foot. I want sleeves and a chest piece. And I just want everything. Haha. I want my body to be this beautiful canvas of artwork. I am so obsessed with tattoos and I have always wanted one or two or five since I was little. My mom has seven and I am determined to one up her. At the very least anyway. And I have so many ideas, so many things that represent me as a person. I just can’t wait to fill the canvas that is my skin with wonderful artwork.

In the meantime, I am just trying to survive my classes. All of them but one are easy. Chemistry is going to give me a run for my money, I acknowledge that, and I am preparing myself for the stress of the challenge. I got an A in chemistry last year, and I plan on doing it again for the next level. Just you wait!



Reading Lost It’s Place.

•February 13, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Lately, I have been watching and reading anything I can get my hands on that has to do with Camelot. I don’t know what it is about that particular era but I just can’t get enough of it. I seriously wish that I could have lived during those times (provided that I was a lady in a noble family, because being a servant back then probably sucked). I can only imagine what it must have been like to live in a castle. Of course, TV and books totally over dramatize this period, and definitely amp up the romance. I mean, in all honesty if I DID live back then, I probably would have already been married off to some middle aged lord and popped out like three or four kids by now if I was lucky enough to live that long. I think what really makes the Camelot legend special for me is the magic and adventure.

I have always thought that life would have been so much more special with magic, and I have always been an avid reader of fantasy novels. I think that Camelot stories have just the right mixture of bravery, romance, chivalry, adventure, and magic. I think that if I lived in a Camelot legend, I would be an enchantress. Simply because I have always dreamed about having magic and what I would do with it; how I would use it. I think that is what makes fantasy novels so special. They make you imagine and dream. So many people have avidly read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and many more will. I have always been a reader. I read The Hobbit for the first time when I was eight. And I read about two to three books a week. I tend to think that reading not only fills me with a sense of joy and adventure, but also keeps my mind sharp.

When I think about how so many things (video games, television, and the like) have displaced reading as a past time, it makes me sad. Most children don’t read for pleasure anymore. I can’t even imagine what my childhood would have been like without the magic of books and reading. I am the person I am because I love to read. My life has been blessed with so much adventure thanks to all the authors who sat down and shared their imagination with the world. I can’t even put to words how grateful I am to authors like Tolkien And Gail Carson Levine. So, when children denounce reading as boring, I almost feel like they are attacking me personally.

When I am a mother, I am going to be sure that I instill a love of reading into my children, as I believe all parents have a responsibility to do so. Reading not gives children advantages in school and in the academic world, but it also helps them develop a strong sense of imagination, one that will stay with them all their lives. How can parents think it is okay for their children to sit in front of the television all day? How can they not push for their children to read? I see the inability or the failure to instill a love of reading in one’s children as a parents’ greatest mistake.

I am not saying that video games and television should be shunned from the lives of children, I just think that things like that have a time and a place. They should never, under any circumstances, replace reading. Not when reading is so valuable to the lives and minds of everyone.



Sexism In A Household.

•February 10, 2013 • Leave a Comment

You know that feeling when someone is talking about you REALLY loud when you are totally in earshot. And what they are saying is completely incorrect? Well, my dad is talking to this lady who he met online really loudly on the phone about how I made a mess in the kitchen. Except I wasn’t in the kitchen last night. I was in my room feeling really crappy. I am fairly certain that I have bronchitis (aint nobody got time for that). I just think it is really annoying that he does that. He only says I make the messes because he wants me to clean them. He thinks that because I am the girl in the house, it’s my job to clean up after everyone. Well, sorry but no. I clean the dishes I make and that is it unless I am feeling charitable. That is what it takes to teach my dad to stop being totally sexist. I gotta silently rebel.

This is an ongoing problem in my house. My dad seems to think that I should know how to cook and clean and manage a house. So every time I come to visit, he deliberately pins the job of maid on me. I have told him time and time again that I know how to do these things, I just don’t feel like it is my job to clean after everyone. My dad makes huge messes and just leaves them all over the house expecting me to follow him around and clean everything. I love my dad, and he is generally really good to me, but this literally drives me crazy.

He says he wants me to be able to be a good wife one day. But I honestly don’t want to be the type of woman who sits home and cleans up after everyone anyway. I am going to college for a reason. I want to be a career woman. I want to be a scientist. I want to travel and do my own thing. And maybe one day, when I have had my fill of globe trotting and animal conservation, I will settle down and get married. But even then, I won’t be doing what he wants. I don’t want to get married to some push over. I want someone just as strong willed and goal oriented as I am. And I am pretty sure, at this point, that I don’t want to marry a man.

I really would like to get married one day, but only if I find that one special lady. I also have to worry about whether or not it will be legal by the time I choose to marry. Right now I live in CT, so if I were to stay here, I would be all set. But I would rather die than stay here after my undergrad degree is finally over. My plan is to go to grad school as far away as possible and kiss this state goodbye. I think that I would really like to go to grad school in California, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. So, we shall see.

It just bothers me that everyone in my family tries to socialize me to be their image of a perfect little woman. I have never been that way, and I don’t want to be. I just want to be myself. No wonder I feel like I am trapped all the time. No one here ever wants me to be who I am. Thank god I don’t live with my father and his side of the family. Thank god I have been more dependent than that since I graduated high school. But still, things need to change if I am ever fully going to feel comfortable with myself.

Well, here is to hoping!



Discovering Sexuality In A Bigoted World.

•February 10, 2013 • 2 Comments

These past couple of months have been filled with ups and downs. Mostly downs, really. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with who I am as a person, and I am not there even now. I wish that it was an easy task, this business of knowing one’s self. But, I am of the belief that people are constantly changing, and as they change, they must get to know themselves once more. Of course it is so much easier said than done, and that is the dilemma I face. Lately, I have been beginning to wonder what it is about me that causes me this discomfort. I am happy for a time and then I lapse back into the deepest of despairs. I cast off my friends and recede into myself, wanting nothing more than to die. But why? What causes me this torment? I have been feeling it for a while, a deep emptiness, almost as if I have been wronging myself, lying to myself, and pretending to be someone I am not. And, I think I have finally found out why I feel this way.

In my quest to find myself a partner, I have had to face my total disinterest in men. This has not been the first time I have noticed this. In fact, I have only had one serious relationship with a man, and it was not one I look back on with happiness. Before I left high school, I considered myself to be largely gay. And I saw nothing wrong with that, other than my parents would never accept it and could never know. But, perhaps for fear of disappointing them, I masked that and strove to find something worth latching onto in the opposite sex. I don’t really know what I was thinking when I met John. I had just gotten out of a really crappy relationship with a girl who had pretty much ripped my heart out and stomped on it. But I let John comfort me, and it turned into something that I was not altogether comfortable with. Regardless, I let go of a part of myself and I buried myself in his company. I was miserable, and I felt as if he was both the only person who could make me feel happy and the person who made me feel most miserable. We were together for almost four years, and then we parted ways. It has been almost a year since that has happened and I barely think of him anymore, but I think my relationship with him really opened up my eyes about my identity as a whole.

I think that I am gay. For many reasons. First, I never found my relationship with John emotionally satisfying. I always felt as if it was lacking something, and when I was with him I felt emptier and lonelier than I have ever felt. I also did not enjoy the sex that I had with him. He knew what he was doing, that much was certain, but time and time again, he was never able to bring me to orgasm. And I was always left feeling dejected and somewhat disgusted. The only time I really enjoyed sex with him was when we had a threesome and I was able to be with a woman for the first time in I don’t know how long. In fact, I barely touched her and she barely touched me, but having her there and watching her body just made the experience for me. I can’t really describe the feeling. The realization came slowly, but when it was there, it made me feel relieved. Better than I had felt for a very long time. And yet now, I have the same empty feeling I did before.

So, why am I feeling so down despite my sudden awareness of self? Well, I still can’t tell my family. They would not understand, and worse, they would not accept it. I constantly feel as if I am walking on eggshells when I am around my family. And the inability to be my true self really upsets me. I really wish that one day they will decide to love me for who I am, but I know that day is not today. Just today they were discussing Obama, racism, and gay rights, among other things, and everything they had to say was so negative and hurtful. I can’t say that I want them to change, because they are my family and I love them for who they are, but I wish that they would open their eyes and take some time to learn about people before they say such terrible things. Being yourself in a bigoted world is truly difficult. But, I won’t give up. I won’t come out to my family just yet, but I also won’t remain silent. I will voice my opinion and correct them when they are cruel. I love them, and because of that, I cannot let them make idiots out of themselves. I hope one day they will know who I am, and accept it.

Until then, I will be true to myself. And every day, I will become more and more aware of who exactly I am. I know it is a hard journey, and I will never be done with it. But I look forward to the day that I can say I made a difference; that I fought for something worth laying my life down for.



My Apologies.

•August 29, 2012 • 2 Comments

Well, I am back. I am sorry for just disappearing, but I didn’t really know that I was going myself. I just felt extremely apathetic and horribly depressed one morning. And I stopped even wanting to talk to anyone, let alone post about my life online. I wish I had stuck with it, because now I feel so bad for not posting anything for a solid month, right after I said that I would start posting more. But I will make it up to all of my followers! I notice I have been still getting a decent amount of traffic on this page despite the lack of posting, so I guess that is a good sign. Thank you all who have continued to check in on me during my absence, it really does mean a lot to me. I feel super loved!

During my impromptu hiatus, I made some key changes in my life. I switched my major to nursing. Not because I think being a doctor would be too hard, but because I notice that in a hospital environment, the nurses work more with the patients than the doctors do. I really want to be on the front lines helping people. And I decided that I want to be a pediatric nurse of some kind, because I really love children, and I think working with them would make me extremely happy. Saving the lives of children would make me feel as if my job made a difference in the world. And, ultimately, that is really what I want to do; have a positive impact on the world and the lives of others.

Secondly, I decided to stop all the medications I have been taking for anxiety and depression. I do not like the way I feel on them. Most times, I am too emotionless to even feel happy or want to leave my room. Or anything. I got tired of not feeling anything. And yes, now that I am off them, I have to deal with my emotions head on, and it is really difficult… but I feel so much more like myself. When I am off the meds, it is hard to not feel negative, but at least I feel. Lately, I have been feeling so much better, aside from my extreme fatigue. I hope that when the semester starts I will start to feel a bit more awake. For those of you out there who have been considering not taking your medications, I would say that you should first consider how much the medication is doing for you. In many cases, anti-depressant and anxiety drugs mess with the chemicals in your brain. It can often lead to a severe decrease in the range of emotions one can feel. I thought that taking medication would be a quick fix, but I fell into an even darker depression than I can remember feeling while not taking anything. I know it is hard to not be tempted by something that has the potential to fix you all at once and right away, but if you can function properly without medication… I strongly suggest that you do so. The more poison you put in your body, the worse off you are. All natural is the best way to go! If you need a pick me up, go for a run or meditate! Anything that gets your body moving. Exercise is the best natural stress relief there is!

In other news, I am extremely excited that my classes start tomorrow. I really love school, it is my passion. And I hope that this upcoming semester gives me something to focus on and helps me to get motivated and out of this rut. I am starting to feel much better on my own, but I will have more to do when all of my friends are back around campus and I start having homework. I love being busy, it keeps my mind off the things that would normally bring me down. And this semester, I don’t have an asshole boyfriend dragging me down. I am going to make the absolute best of this next year, and I simply can not wait for it to start.