Discovering Sexuality In A Bigoted World.

These past couple of months have been filled with ups and downs. Mostly downs, really. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with who I am as a person, and I am not there even now. I wish that it was an easy task, this business of knowing one’s self. But, I am of the belief that people are constantly changing, and as they change, they must get to know themselves once more. Of course it is so much easier said than done, and that is the dilemma I face. Lately, I have been beginning to wonder what it is about me that causes me this discomfort. I am happy for a time and then I lapse back into the deepest of despairs. I cast off my friends and recede into myself, wanting nothing more than to die. But why? What causes me this torment? I have been feeling it for a while, a deep emptiness, almost as if I have been wronging myself, lying to myself, and pretending to be someone I am not. And, I think I have finally found out why I feel this way.

In my quest to find myself a partner, I have had to face my total disinterest in men. This has not been the first time I have noticed this. In fact, I have only had one serious relationship with a man, and it was not one I look back on with happiness. Before I left high school, I considered myself to be largely gay. And I saw nothing wrong with that, other than my parents would never accept it and could never know. But, perhaps for fear of disappointing them, I masked that and strove to find something worth latching onto in the opposite sex. I don’t really know what I was thinking when I met John. I had just gotten out of a really crappy relationship with a girl who had pretty much ripped my heart out and stomped on it. But I let John comfort me, and it turned into something that I was not altogether comfortable with. Regardless, I let go of a part of myself and I buried myself in his company. I was miserable, and I felt as if he was both the only person who could make me feel happy and the person who made me feel most miserable. We were together for almost four years, and then we parted ways. It has been almost a year since that has happened and I barely think of him anymore, but I think my relationship with him really opened up my eyes about my identity as a whole.

I think that I am gay. For many reasons. First, I never found my relationship with John emotionally satisfying. I always felt as if it was lacking something, and when I was with him I felt emptier and lonelier than I have ever felt. I also did not enjoy the sex that I had with him. He knew what he was doing, that much was certain, but time and time again, he was never able to bring me to orgasm. And I was always left feeling dejected and somewhat disgusted. The only time I really enjoyed sex with him was when we had a threesome and I was able to be with a woman for the first time in I don’t know how long. In fact, I barely touched her and she barely touched me, but having her there and watching her body just made the experience for me. I can’t really describe the feeling. The realization came slowly, but when it was there, it made me feel relieved. Better than I had felt for a very long time. And yet now, I have the same empty feeling I did before.

So, why am I feeling so down despite my sudden awareness of self? Well, I still can’t tell my family. They would not understand, and worse, they would not accept it. I constantly feel as if I am walking on eggshells when I am around my family. And the inability to be my true self really upsets me. I really wish that one day they will decide to love me for who I am, but I know that day is not today. Just today they were discussing Obama, racism, and gay rights, among other things, and everything they had to say was so negative and hurtful. I can’t say that I want them to change, because they are my family and I love them for who they are, but I wish that they would open their eyes and take some time to learn about people before they say such terrible things. Being yourself in a bigoted world is truly difficult. But, I won’t give up. I won’t come out to my family just yet, but I also won’t remain silent. I will voice my opinion and correct them when they are cruel. I love them, and because of that, I cannot let them make idiots out of themselves. I hope one day they will know who I am, and accept it.

Until then, I will be true to myself. And every day, I will become more and more aware of who exactly I am. I know it is a hard journey, and I will never be done with it. But I look forward to the day that I can say I made a difference; that I fought for something worth laying my life down for.




~ by Cherylsaur on February 10, 2013.

2 Responses to “Discovering Sexuality In A Bigoted World.”

  1. Be proud! Easy to say, I know, but you only get one life. You can’t afford to waste it on tossers.

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